party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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