I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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