if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
