totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
