I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
