I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
