and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
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