you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
