Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
