The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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