I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
