Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
