How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
