Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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