I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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