I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
It's never too late to be topless.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
