Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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