My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
