the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
smell my finger.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
