Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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