You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
