i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just forgot I was standing up.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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