I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
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