She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
