I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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