I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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