my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
