I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Drunk walkin through police station. America
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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