Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
