Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I think my vagina is haunted
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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