i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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