Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
