in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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