Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
