Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
