2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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