Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
