i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
