the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
