I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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