I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
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