No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
