took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
