Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
