He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
