i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize