you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
