did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
