Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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