i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
