Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Well I just put wine in my tea
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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