remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
