Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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