I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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