I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
